The Echoes of Trauma: A Candid Look at ADHD and Family Dynamics

What if uncovering the roots of your struggle with anxiety, attention, or substance use led you to a surprising realization? Imagine tracing those roots back to a generational trauma linked to undiagnosed neurodivergence in your family. That's a journey many of us embarked upon, including yours truly, leading to late-life ADHD diagnoses that reverberated through our family dynamics. We offer a candid exploration of the ripple effects of these discoveries, including the inherited coping mechanisms and behavioral patterns that can carry heavy burdens such as substance dependence.

Unraveling our own neurodivergence led us to recognize some startling behaviors learned from our families, like using food as a crutch or wrestling with social anxiety. Hear firsthand accounts of our participants who discovered ADHD later in life and the unique challenges and insights it brought to their familial relationships. Our stories underscore the crucial importance of breaking generational cycles and the power of awareness in setting ourselves on a path of positive transformation.

Finally, we tackle the often overlooked aspect of such a profound revelation - the toll it takes on our mental health and the strength it requires to confront and process our traumas. With vulnerability and honesty, we share how we're navigating these challenges, building bridges of understanding with our loved ones, and embracing our neurodivergence. We believe in the power of open dialogue about mental health and the role it plays in shattering stigmas. Come join us on this journey as we shed light on a lesser-discussed aspect of mental health - the echoes of generational trauma through the lens of neurodivergence.

Lobow’s SPARK is proudly supported by Leo Guinan, Kirk Hofstrom, Casey Elliot, Sarah Delano, Justin Allingham, Blushing Crafter, Jamie Young, and Beth Jones.  It is also supported by 10 anonymous supporters.  Whether you want to be mentioned by name or remain anonymous, this podcast does not exist without you.  Thank you so much for your support.

Lobow’s SPARK has started a fundraising effort for Crisis Text Line. We have a goal of $19 per episode as $19 supports one person in their time of absolute crisis with their mental health. If you would like to donate through our fundraiser in titled “Lauren’s Infinity”, the link is listed below.
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The background music during the recognition parts of this episode, was written by Guy Farmer.  Look him up on Itunes!!

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Chapters

• 0:06 Generational Trauma and Neurodivergence
• 16:24 Generational Trauma and Undiagnosed Neurodivergence
• 20:34 ADHD Impacts on Generational Behavior
• 35:46 Mental Health and Overcoming Challenges
• 53:10 Understanding Patience and Learning From Mistakes

Transcript

Lobow: 0:06

Welcome back to Lo Spark podcast. I am doing the first group episode I have done in. I don't know, leo, maybe six months. I'm nervous about this. I am kind of just it worded me all day because I don't understand the topic. I don't understand the topic of generational trauma as a result of unrecognized neurodivergence, because all I had was support generationally. So I'm going to turn this over to Mechie because she is the one that brought up this topic. Your show, explain it.

Mechi: 0:51

My show. Okay, I'm taking over.

Lobow: 0:54

You are.

Mechi: 0:56

Okay, well, I brought this subject because, first of all, I saw a TikTok video and I was like, hmm, this resonance a lot with me and never thought of it because I was already aware of generational trauma, but being, and you know, someone who was diagnosed with ADHD at 30 years old well, almost 30, it was like I've been my entire life on diagnosed. And then, of course, I noticed my mom had it and it was over for Saturday. It was like, oh my God, all of this makes so much sense, not just about me, but also about my mom, and many of the things that we go through is things that we learn at home. So imagine, you know, you grow up with the parent who you're, you know, you're sure 100% they have ADHD. Now that you look back on it and then, of course, it all makes sense. So I don't know where you want me to start.

Mechi: 1:50

I have a list of the things that I think affected me, in case that's something anyone wants to hear, but I think it's important to talk about it because it is something cool to talk about it in therapy, for example, because ADHD is not just, you know, leading dealing with the ADHD symptoms.

Mechi: 2:11

It's also the things that you learned at home, which probably your parents were not diagnosed. If you had a late diagnosis and I'm sure many of you here, because we know ADHD also runs in your blood many of us maybe have some things that are like you know, oh, my mom or my dad or my uncle, you know my grandma, my grandpa, you know so and things that maybe, looking back and if you start to study that or think about it, you realize that maybe this is not me, maybe this is something I learned. It might be my ADHD, but this is something that is, you know, outside of me. This is something I learned from whoever in my family. So I thought it was an interesting topic to talk about, because I'm sure I'm not the only one who has this issue.

Lobow: 2:59

It is. Let me cut in here for just one second. How many of y'all were diagnosed after the age of 18?

Waba: 3:07

Yeah self discovered, yeah all of us.

Lobow: 3:11

Yeah, except for me, yeah, and so that's where the awkwardness comes in here in this episode.

Mechi: 3:19

It's like I have another question how many of you think one of your parents or anyone else in your family has ADHD? Sure, and I'm diagnosed.

Lobow: 3:34

I'm adopted, so it's more of a it's okay.

Mechi: 3:38

But you know what? If you were brought up by people who you think have ADHD, it's the same, because we're talking we're not talking about generational, in the sense it's like it's just in the blood. We're talking what you learned at home. So if you think maybe one of you know your mom or your dad or someone else in your family had it and you had a lot of contact with them then you might have something that is not actually yours.

Lobow: 4:03

That is exactly the explanation I needed, Matthew, to navigate this episode. I want to call on Wabba first. What is your experience with this?

Waba: 4:16

I'm not sure If I've thought about this question ever since I saw it. Initially I was like, oh yeah, it's just like my whole story Because, like you know, I grew up in a household with a hoarder mother and an enabling father, but I just like not wanting to confront her fairly certain my dad's some flavor of autistic ADHD and I don't know what's going on with my mom entirely other than the predominant narcissistic personality disorder. But you know, just generational trauma in general due to neurodivergence, never mind just ADHD, is so prevalent in my whole story of just like growing up with expectations, I guess, of just like you have to do what I say, or else kind of thing. I mean, I think it can be just like generic abuse of household stuff, though is the problem. So I'm not really sure how to answer this question.

Waba: 5:13

To be honest with you, maybe maybe absolute father, because the fact he was so just hyper, focused on his work all the time, so that probably had an effect. I'm sure you know growing up at a horror house is not exactly the nicest thing in the world. Because you have to, because it just gets normalized for you that like you're going to live in a mess and it's okay, and that's fine, and you know there's never. I never got taught how to clean anything, or even myself. Actually I think I shared this before. I never knew how to properly take a shower and clean my own fucking body until I was like 23.

Lobow: 5:54

Wow, Wabba, thank you for opening up like that again. I mean like that. This is going to make me cry again after this, because this is so easily fixable to me, so easily fixable. But until we get to that easily fixable part, Beth, what do you have to say?

Beth: 6:20

Okay, I was just gonna say that we I mean my parents were great parents, they were really loving and things like that. But and it's a mixture of me having undiagnosed ADHD, which I thought I had ADHD since I was seven, but back in the like the 70s well, that was a guy's, a guy think girls just didn't have that, you know, and sort of confusion. And I think my dad had ADHD. He had a drinking problem as a child and I think that was stemmed from that, you know, and so mom, but he was a loving dad, you know, he wasn't violent, it wasn't anything like that. He just would mess up, you know, and mom, she a dad, could work different jobs and things like that, but mom would sort of hold the house together. But I also think mom had her own issues, you know. So it was a loving, dysfunctional family. And then of course, there's me kind of do things and I couldn't. Mom would try and teach me stuff, but she didn't really so much because she was busy with working. My older sister was the one that would do things when I was, when she wasn't around. So I was the youngest and sort of left to do my own thing and honestly, she probably she tried to teach me stuff I probably wouldn't have been able to take it in anyway, you know, and I also think that we talk about the generational trauma and we look at the way like parents, grandparents and other relatives behave.

Beth: 7:57

We also have to take into account what generation they're from and how their society makes people behave in a certain way. Like dad was to a lot of people was very serious, you know, but he was actually quite a funny. He was a funny man, he was kind, he was, you know, but he had this sort of like distance to him, yeah, and like he didn't show a huge amount of emotion and things. There's a joke when he he's, he got my mom passed away, so he got remarried and he's now this disease. But there's wedding photos of my mom and dad and then my stepmom and dad and my dad has this look like he's really not having a good time. And and the first day, why do you? Why just smiling? And I thought no, dad is smiling, you know it's like normally, you know you're not smiling. There's your mouth straight across and then there's this tiny curve and that's dad smiling, you know.

Lobow: 9:01

Can I interrupt you? Just for one split it's. I'm trying to get better at not interrupting because, jesus, I had to drop fine.

Lobow: 9:09

But so my dad is from North Dakota, the land of ice skating and ice hockey and all that. My mom is from the depths of the South and when I go to give my dad a hug, it's one of those soft hugs you know like is one of those. I like your son. I'm like, no, you fucking love me. Okay, I love you, you love me. Say it. He goes we didn't, we don't, how did we do this? I'm like you just hug the person and say I love you. That's how we do this. But anyways, I understand that situation of it's someone from is from a different part and they don't understand the other side of it.

Beth: 9:57

Okay, I should clarify something. When I said dad's distant, it was probably with words. Dad was a hugger. He had no problem physically hugging people, but it was. He would keep things that he could give you advice, but of his own feelings and things like that. I think that's probably where the drinking came from, especially, you know, he lost his dad when he was really young. His mom had four boys, came from Ireland to England and so you know, and there's big drinking culture, you know, and that's just, I think it was a lot of coping, a coping mechanism for him. He did stop drinking when I was in my twenties and, yeah, so he had a sober life longer than he had his life of drinking, which would have been, you know, awesome. Beth, thanks for the question.

Lobow: 10:49

Leo, what do we got on this topic? I'm sorry I got to go this way because, wait this way, it's different on my screen it's different on my screen.

Leo: 11:01

Fake it me out here, I don't know. Yeah, I think this is a. This is certainly an interesting question and I see it from a couple different levels. Right, so, when I was writing the email for it, you know, I referenced, you know, my dad forgetting or, you know, having a dad that forgot you at practice, which is literally a thing that happened. But, as I told Lo Bao, he only forgot me once. He forgot my sisters multiple times. Yeah, there used to be a time when I was like how could he forget us? And like now I'm just like, yeah, I kind of get it.

Leo: 11:40

But you know, I think a lot of stuff happens like that.

Leo: 11:51

But then kind of the flip side of that is found that parents tend to overcompensate a bit on trying to make sure that you don't have the same flaws they do and just kind of going like apeshit in some sense over different rules and things like that that they set, because that's kind of how they figured out how to cope with everything.

Leo: 12:27

But then kind of even on a wider family scale, one of the issues that our families dealt with quite a bit are that there's been alcoholism and drug issues, and I think a lot of that stems from ADHD to some extent and, like I know, for at least a couple of the cousins that I lost, like I could definitely see that being a potential influence and it's one of those. That kind of just a couple of decisions and next thing, you know, that's kind of how it ends. And yeah, I think, like you know, people figured out how to cope because they didn't have access to the same kind of information we have. Right, they don't have access to the same, like just yeah, the same level of information, and so people coped with it how they could. You can think about it like we're only a few generations away from where we probably would have been burned at a stake. True, like it really wasn't that long ago right.

Leo: 13:45

That's very true, yeah, and so yeah. I think it's certainly all there, and I think one of the things to recognize is that, like it's helpful to see it, I don't think I don't think a lot of people have a ton of interest in like being diagnosed, like if they've gotten to the point where they figure out how to make, how to cope with it, and like they just have their quirks or whatever like. So true, yeah.

Lobow: 14:21

So true.

Leo: 14:23

You know, it's like don't mess with it. They've got a system, as weird as it sounds Like they've been working on that for like 45, 50 years and don't mess with it. But yeah, like it's interesting to see how this is starting to change because hopefully, like having information, we're able to kind of break more cycles. And I certainly try with, like my kids, like it's really like big for me to try to just name things when I see the patterns happening, and I'm not 100% on that because I am human, but it's like, yeah, I do find myself like getting frustrated for like my kids doing stuff that like I literally do all the time.

Beth: 15:12

Yeah, it's like yeah.

Leo: 15:16

Oh God damn it, that's part of it.

Lobow: 15:18

Yes, yes, right. And the other thing of the ADHD brain is like you should go to the doctor. You have this Also.

Mechi: 15:25

Something else, you also get mad at your parents for doing something you do too.

Leo: 15:31

Yeah, it goes both ways.

Lobow: 15:33

That see, ah, this, ah God, I love this, I love this. It's basically like one friend came to me yesterday actually, and was like you know, I don't feel right, I'm like, so go to the fucking doctor. And then they're like, well, why don't you go to the doctor when you don't feel right? I'm like because I hate the fucking doctor. So like is this situation where it's like I'm gonna advise you how to do something, but, god damn it, I need to do it myself too. Like unbelievable, rj, how we doing buddy. This is awesome. Good, this is a recorded thing. So awesome, I saw it. Andre Agassi has just joined us. This is fantastic. So, leo, can you explain to RJ what the topic is? And you explained it well. I just I don't. Again, it's not my wheelhouse, so I'm gonna leave it to y'all to help.

Leo: 16:37

Yeah, so generational trauma as a result of undiagnosed, unrecognized neurodivergence? Yeah, I think just the patterns of behavior and where coping mechanisms take over and show themselves down generational lines. Because, yeah, it's when your parents are struggling to cope with something and kind of trying really hard to make sure that you don't have that same problem, it does kind of leave some marks in different ways. You know has a lot of links to substance dependence and all sorts of things like that, and I know that's something that, like I was saying that I've seen.

Lobow: 17:34

So it's basically RJ, your opinion of that or whatnot, and Mets, you brought this up, which is fantastic because I need to learn now, so I'm learning from all five of you about what this means.

Waba: 17:49

I have a question.

Lobow: 17:50

Yeah, ask away.

Waba: 17:52

Is, could, is is discovery regression. Can that be kind of part of this topic a little bit, or is that kind of a different topic entirely? Discovery regression. Yeah.

Lobow: 18:06

I need a Webster's on that. Again, I am not the most educated person. I am trying my best.

Waba: 18:11

So probably not something you've experienced, but usually when people kind of late discover that they have ADHD or autism, they their minds, because of that information kind of like break a bit and they end up, you know, feeling that they've regressed in some ways, because they're like shit, I was getting along just fine without knowing I was ADHD or autistic, and now that I know I can't do anything right anymore.

Beth: 18:39

Okay, I feel extra autistic. I'm ADHD. Yes, grace thing, it's like a great yeah, it is kind of a groove suddenly. You have, you know yeah.

Mechi: 18:54

To. I mean, for example, my boyfriend has ADHD to, and when he learned he had it he became terribly depressed and For me was super liberating, like oh yeah, I can I swear, yeah, can I swear.

Lobow: 19:25

Yes.

Mechi: 19:28

People and and what was saying really Impresinated with me with the horny stuff. My mom was like that, but to me it is crazy because I'm, I think about this. I hope my mom's not listening to this book. I just pre loves you, lobo and mom, if you're listening, I love you, but I just gotta be honest.

Waba: 19:45

Fuck you, mom. I said you're welcome.

Mechi: 19:53

But yeah, I mean, I'm sure you have a ADHD. You know she shows her shorty as a ADHD. Just listening to your podcast, nobody's like I think I have ADHD met and I'm like, fuck, no, but she's a quarter two. She doesn't clean match, become the opposite, to the point that I'm almost like a little OCD. I mean, I don't have OCD, but my doctor told me that I have an OCD personality, like I have traits, yeah, and I think it comes, it turns back to that. It's like I don't want to become my mom and I don't want to have, like you know, a mess in my home that she also has. Well, she's overweight. I always struggled with my weight for various reasons. I, we all know ADHD. You know the dopamine if you don't take your meds, you want to eat all day. I never understood what I wanted to eat all day, but it's also something that I learned at home. Like if something Like really bad is happening, we in my case, you know, thank goodness it wasn't they didn't have a problem with, maybe, drinking or drug abuse, but my mom did have a problem with food. And you know, if something went wrong, if something goes right, yeah, something is going terribly wrong. I'm gonna give you an example.

Mechi: 21:12

Something crazy that happened that I still remember to this day. I was seven years old. A guy, I, escaping the police, went to my home. She looked at me. He looked at me, he looked at my mom. He was like where I'm gonna kill you. My mom went crazy like blank. She made two sandwiches for me. She made two sandwiches for me. What's going on? Open that. And then she hit me. She hit me under the bed. She Took a gun and she was like Matthew, if something happens, if you hear anything, don't come out to stay right there with. But I mean, think about it there's a guy in your home with a gun telling you if he's gonna kill you. That time we didn't have a telephone. We lived in the middle of nowhere so she couldn't even call the police. The guy was threatening me, her daughter and my mom's like mama bear. She took me to sandwiches for me before going out or trying to fix the situation.

Mechi: 22:21

Crazy, and you know, at this time, like every, every time I have a problem, I try to fix it with food and I eat a lot and then I have like Wait in shoes. But it's crazy how that comes across. Like then, for what was like you know, you had this issue with the hoarding for me was like the complete opposite I throw everything away, even the things that I care about. I throw them away. I'm like Marie Kondo on stereotypes and it's crazy because I mean it can't like backfire and you can go the opposite or you can Keep the same thing you learned from your dad or your mom, absolutely. You know they have ADHD and Another thing that I know that in my case, for example, that is affecting me to this day is the social anxiety or how I Interact with people.

Mechi: 23:11

So my mom is a person who lashes out very easily. Now I understand it's because of the ADHD that she basically has not many friends. She, like the entire family doesn't talk to her and my approach to people because of that is like, well, I'm not gonna say anything, so I never stand out for myself, because I feel like if I do that, like my mom did but she took it to the extreme then I'm gonna, you know, I'm not gonna have any more friends or I'm, you know, I'm gonna run out of, like you know, friends, or I don't know, I'm just gonna have problems with people, because I learned that and it's something that and then you understand when you're, when you grow older, and you understand the ADHD and that, like this is not me, this is something I learned is a learned behavior and that's the whole point, though, of Discussing these things together is you're not, you don't have no friends.

Lobow: 24:07

Okay, nothing that anything anyone says here is gonna make us less love. You Like like that's yeah, that's the whole concept, so you always have a place here, no matter what. Rj, you have not spoken yet.

RJ: 24:28

Let's go what you got first, much here you saying that you have a brain that hyper fixates on things. No way.

Beth: 24:39

Hey.

RJ: 24:44

Yeah, this is a great topic because it's obviously one that has been Well. I guess it's not obvious for people who this is their first episode, but I have two little boys who are four and five and Part of my journey has been being the wall of generational cycles and trauma and everything. And then and I can see it back some somewhat of Someone in my family has it right, but that doesn't excuse behavior Like you're saying, where you learn what you see, and that doesn't just have to do with families, it can do with friends, it can do with society, it can do with a lot of different areas. It's so easy to think that you are breaking the generational cycle and fall into actually into keeping them going.

Lobow: 25:48

This is a perfect time to take a break in this episode because, let's be honest, these episodes are long. They're probably too long. I should probably edit them, shouldn't I? I'm being told I shouldn't. However, low-bow spark does not exist without these supporters. I'm talking about the Patreon people. Thank you, leo Guynam, Thank you Kirk Hofstrom, thank you Casey Elliott, thank you Sarah Delano, thank you Justin Allingham, thank you, blushing Crafter, thank you Jamie Young, thank you, beth Jones. Without y'all, it doesn't exist. I would also like to thank the nine anonymous actually shit, sorry, my bad 10 anonymous supporters of this podcast. It is completely fine that you are anonymous because, honestly, I cuss a lot. So there it is. Thank you to the 10 anonymous supporters of this podcast. Without you, this does not happen, and I love you.

RJ: 27:13

Wow, I was. My kids were young, I don't know, two and three, I think. And we're getting ready to leave and I'm very kind to my kids. I am there for them emotionally. I allow them to cry at their boys and I allow them to cry, I know. And we were getting ready to leave to go somewhere and my oldest was yelling at me because he didn't want to go and so he was telling me you're me, daddy, you're me.

RJ: 27:48

And for me to hear that, as a father, when he doesn't understand what mean is, and having lived through what mean really is, I responded with you don't know what mean is. If you know, I'll show you what mean is, if you keep it up. And my now ex-wife looked at me and goes why are you getting so mad at a three-year-old? That's, are you jealous of you know, the childhood you're giving him. And at first you know my reaction. I'm like no, how dare you? But upon reflection it's like I was about to repeat that cycle that I went through because he wasn't grateful for something that he never experienced. That is mean to him and that's how good of a childhood that I am giving my kids. That being mean is we have to go somewhere so we have to get ready.

RJ: 28:44

Being mean is we are leaving a park to go home and eat dinner. Being mean is I'm holding space for them and I'm making them have some consequences for, let's say, they're not cleaning up after themselves. They're old enough, they know how to clean up their tables. They have responsibilities. Some of the consequences they lose tablet time. You know extreme as they get time out. But when those happen, I don't just take it and walk away from them and say this is what you get. I sit there and I talk to them and I explain to them this is the reason that this is happening. This is why and I give them a hug and I tell them I will always be here for you and that just because I am giving you a consequence doesn't mean that I'm not here, because I am and along with that I was going to say something and I think I just lost it, but it's fine.

Lobow: 29:45

It's just what happens, right.

RJ: 29:47

Every time they ask for a hug or anything like, I give it to them, and this doesn't exclude me from having my ADHD outburst. This morning we were doing homework and it got really heated. Both kids were crying and I'm like we need to get this done so we can get going. Because they wanted smoothies. We had to go get smoothies and I ended up, you know, black fist, punching the table Like no, we need to do this. And immediately when I did that, instead of like being like I'm justified, we need to do this, it's just like all right, daddy's taking a deep breath, daddy's frustrated because we're trying to do this together and it's not working so well. I'm sorry that I yelled and apologizing and showing them that I'm human and I have emotions, so that they can see that it's OK for them to have emotions. And, yeah, like that is.

RJ: 30:57

I am jealous of the child that they have. I am jealous of the space that I hold for them, but the reason that I can hold that space is because they make me a better person, so that I can hold space for them. Fantastic, and I don't want to fall into those. It's just, it's so easy a flip of a switch You're giving your children the childhood that you didn't have, and in one moment, when it gets overwhelming, you can do what you said you would never do. Or you could accidentally because it's not on purpose accidentally keep it going, and I love this. Knowing that I have ADHD, learning the symptoms, it allows me to be more patient with them, because I can see it in myself, I can see it in my childhood, I can see it growing up, whereas the knowledge wasn't there, the information wasn't there, it wasn't attainable like it is now. And that's something that I can do for them is I can learn so that I can be better for them too. Rj, that was fantastic.

Lobow: 32:12

Go ahead, beth, I know you.

Beth: 32:14

I think also we can tend to forget that children have limited vocabulary and limited ways to explain themselves. You're being mean because I'm doing this thing and now I have to leave it. My son when he was younger, would say something would happen. He'd say I hate you, and I know he didn't hate me. I said do you really hate me or do you hate the situation that's happened or somebody else that's set in? Is it the person or the situation? And that's what I was going to say.

RJ: 32:54

Beth, you just jogged my memory. So my kids will sometimes say I don't like you, daddy, and I don't respond with. You have to. I respond with, that's OK. That's not a part of the agreement. The agreement was I'm going to love you but you don't have to like me. That's not a part of this. So you can keep doing what you're doing and not like me, and that's OK. But I'm going to keep doing what I can for you and they kind of take a step back, OK.

Lobow: 33:26

So to keep this within the hour time frame that we need to keep this within, because I'm a big believer in ADHD. People will watch something up to a certain point. I mean, I'm sorry, like we can go on after this about this topic, but we are going straight to the end right now and I'm going to call on Waba. What are you most proud of today?

Waba: 33:59

today, today.

Lobow: 34:02

Uh, I like the turkey, by the way. That's thank you.

Waba: 34:06

Thank you, you'll see at the end of the month on stream when I play a bunch of scary games.

Leo: 34:10

Uh.

Waba: 34:15

I laughed at a bunch of trolls while I banned them when they came into my stream and yes, that's it. It was. It was hilarious. They just like kept coming in and just like, goodbye your ban. I banned them from discord as well, as they were saying shit in my discord, being like, hey, I'm racist, can you let me in? Like, yeah, that's not going to happen on your stream.

Lobow: 34:34

So can you explain to us, like, what you stream about Because I don't think some people here have seen or whatnot Like what you stream about what you're most proud of in that area and how you go about it, because it's fucking awesome. I love that. I don't know.

Waba: 34:49

I stream a lot of things, but mostly it's just a space that anyone can come in, talk about their day, talk about their problems, get some advice or peer support. You know, advice with a grain of salt I'm very quick. I'm very quick fire with some of my advice, sometimes when I'm like and particularly spicy mood. Um, but you know, it all comes from the heart and all comes from a good place and I do really want to help and care for people.

Lobow: 35:17

Lobal's spark has started a fund raising effort for crisis text line. We have a goal of $19 per episode, as $19 supports one person in their time of absolute crisis with their mental health. If you would like to donate through our fundraiser titled Lauren's infinity, the link is listed in the episode's description. Lauren was my wife's best friend and loved by all who came into contact with her.

Waba: 35:56

And you know, basically show them that their way of thinking isn't the only way to think and that it's okay to process things in different ways and that you know life ain't so bad and they are. There are other people that understand and get what they've gone through. So awesome Mental health talk plucks.

Lobow: 36:12

And I know that you want to say a lot more about this topic on trauma, if I'll give you two minutes here to, if you want it.

Waba: 36:24

What else do you want me to say?

Lobow: 36:26

Anything, anything you want to say on trauma. You mentioned your mom and whatnot, and that's so I get that generational trauma is okay.

Waba: 36:40

So generational trauma is real and more often not that you might catch yourself perpetuating it in your own life and relationships. And it's really important that you catch yourself like RJ caught himself with his kids. That could have ended in a very bad situation and could have just repeat at the cycle. So be, keep, keep, keep, keep yourself on your toes, keep yourself accountable and make sure you know what you're saying and the impact of what you're saying, especially to your kids, especially to your loved ones, because even if you might not understand, even if you are a loved one who abused, you might not remember that situation. You, the person who was abused, is always going to remember how you felt. Even if you don't remember the exact words, you're always going to remember how you felt, and that goes for the people that you talked down to as well.

Lobow: 37:31

So round of applause for that shit, because that was fucking amazing. That's exactly exactly David Wabba unbelievable.

Waba: 37:42

You put me on the spot.

Lobow: 37:44

I did, but you fucking succeeded with that spot like you did it so well. Fuck again up all night because of the motivation Beth Proud of today.

Beth: 37:58

I'm here. I'm here, yes, yes.

Lobow: 38:02

You, I will say you had said that you would never join a group episode. You did today. That's awesome.

Beth: 38:13

My fear of joining a group episode was saying the wrong thing.

Lobow: 38:19

You can never say no, because if anyone can anything, yes, no. Look, if any of you want any of this edited, I'll edit it out, like I'm not going to put you in a position that doesn't make you look awesome. I'm not going to do that. That's not what. That's not this podcast. Look at the turkey here we got one.

Beth: 38:41

None of us can talk that.

Lobow: 38:43

No, no, we can't. But, beth, I'm proud of you too. That is amazing, metschi. What do we got? What are you most proud of today? I'm today.

Mechi: 38:57

I'm proud that I'm owning my ADHD more and more in my business. I know I talk a lot about business. I may be a little obsessed with that, but I love the fact that I have a business I can be open about being used and I'm saying this between quotation marks that I have. So I basically closed a client that is like a, you know, a person of better health is not better health, but is very similar because of my ADHD. I was like I have ADHD, I have these mental health issue and this and that and business and that, so I'm basically your target audience. By the way, I'm a copywriter. That's why and I closed this client, being fucking honest about who I am, what I bring to the table, and the thing is I mean as a, you know, as a entrepreneur, something that I want to do and this is the client I open about. I open up about my ADHD and I'm super proud of.

Mechi: 39:58

One of my friends was also a copywriter who is owning that too and she's talking about her ADHD because before she wouldn't sell a client that you know if you missed a call or something, it's not because she didn't care, because she has ADHD, but that doesn't make her a worse copywriter. So the thing is, I'm building report, you guys, I'm feeling like we need to come out of the closet so that people fucking know. So you know your typical see to know that we can work as well as they do, and sometimes even better. And what I tell my clients is you get the best of our worlds, you know, because you get my. When I'm not medicated, I'm going to be at my you know be creativity, and when I'm medicated, I'm going to be super productive. So you get like two in one, you know which is very good for copywriting so I'm proud of it.

Mechi: 40:53

I'm proud of building reports. I'm proud of letting know each of my clients, because that is building report for us. Because how many of us maybe didn't get the job because, you know, all of these two ADHD or whatever? Now let's show the world we're good. We're good at what we do, so that's why I'm proud of today.

Lobow: 41:11

Oh yes, magic up the mic.

Leo: 41:14

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's, that's going to get it, yeah, but yeah but yeah, for everyone listening, don't be scared.

Mechi: 41:22

If you have a business, don't be scared of saying you have ADHD. It is not a bad word. It doesn't define you. It doesn't define how good you are at what you do.

Lobow: 41:32

You agree? Waba Beth, I know you want to say something also to that that you were coming in there.

Beth: 41:38

You're saying, to let people know you have ADHD on a couple of levels. One, it's important for there are neurotypical people out there who are not neurotypical. They're trying to live in a neurotypical world, like me, like you guys and then also I. It was very validating for me watching creators on Twitter and YouTube were ever who you know are giving great advice and all this and having and then having times where they have a failing or a problem and you know, it validates, it doesn't, doesn't make me think, oh well, you know you say that you should do this and that and this and that. Look, you failed. It's more, yeah, validating for me that I can fail to, you know that's so great.

Lobow: 42:34

I'm going to go Leo next. What are you most proud of today?

Leo: 42:40

All right, so I'm proud of that. I started to go just a little deeper on things started the that that writing I'm so hard that I'm part of and yeah, just it's been good to kind of dig in, just do a bunch of like free writing. I do have to go back at some point and like edit it, which is the reason I don't typically do that if I want to like turn it into anything. But it's been really good. It's kind of gotten me out of my comfort zone a bit, just in kind of a different environment, and it's been fun to surround myself with other writers. That's a group that doesn't typically get out much and talk to each other because they're all writing.

Lobow: 43:46

Because they're writing.

Leo: 43:49

Right. So it is kind of interesting to do writing as a social thing and like share what you've written. That's a weird thing. Like just reading what you've written to somebody, like that's a weirdly kind of intimate thing almost, which it seems like it's not that different from like publishing it online for everyone to read, but somehow it is Like it is different, but I'm proud of myself for doing it and really.

Lobow: 44:19

That's fantastic.

Beth: 44:20

Also go ahead. Beth, I was going to say is it wrong for me to imagine Leo with some other people sitting at like big wooden desks with the parchment and quills?

Leo: 44:32

You'd never be able to read my Quillman Such a hairy airwater.

Lobow: 44:38

I love my character and also, by the way, truth be told, I am proud of Leo and I for so. We spoke every day this week for 10 minutes a day. That is the next episode that is going to come out is mental health Day one, day two, day three, day four, and we sucked to a fucking schedule as ADHD people. That was great, rj, rj, what you got you going to come back. I see the hand on the. He's got a Cougar's food.

RJ: 45:11

RJ, what are you most proud of? I cook my kids' food, oh shit.

Lobow: 45:15

Yeah.

RJ: 45:15

So, like you know, looking in the camera, most proud of this is done. Sure, oh my goodness. Then go to the gym. It's like this shirt feels a little tight.

Waba: 45:25

Are you single?

Lobow: 45:27

Andre.

Waba: 45:30

Wabba funny. You asked because I'm sorry it was a better effect.

Leo: 45:36

What are your thoughts on?

RJ: 45:37

Turkey.

Waba: 45:40

What are you? It seems topical.

Lobow: 45:43

Oh, my God, I prefer dark meat.

RJ: 45:45

I'm not going to lie.

Lobow: 45:46

Oh God Okay. Rj what are you most proud of my fiance? We are the funniest fucking people ever, hey. What are you most proud of buddy? Love you.

RJ: 46:01

It's being the dad that I am and I know like this is that episode right. But I look at the conversations that I have with a five-in-a-four-year-old and I get to Just how much they trust me to come to me when they're crying and talk to me when they're mad at me and trust me when I tell them that we shouldn't do something because you get hurt. And you know, I made a very bold decision to leave my job to start coaching business and I'm really good at it. But also I get to work my schedule around them so that I get to be there with them when it's needed and I don't have to give up my time with them. And that's that's something that is important to me. And if you'd asked me about it two years ago, I would have said, yeah, it's important, but I wouldn't have said it's as important as it's become.

RJ: 47:17

And when I feel guilty, it's that I didn't give them the presence that I feel that they deserve. But if I look at it objectively, I did. It's just that I can't give them my full presence all the time and so I feel guilty about that and just noticing that like it's a big thing. So that is usually the dad that I am, and then I don't need the recognition that I am a dad like that, even though it is nice and everything. I'm not saying that, but it's just like I'm doing this even if I wasn't on a podcast, even if I wasn't, you know, sharing my story on Instagram or Facebook or anything like that. I'm doing this because it's my desire. It's not just my desire, but my dream. Like my oldest, I see my five year old self in him and I parent him the way that I needed that when I was five, and so it helps me as much as it helps him, but also, yeah, it just makes it much more rewarding.

Lobow: 48:40

I love that. So I am most proud of this. Again, I will say at the beginning of every single one I'm most proud of is this, but more specifically Mechie, you actually taught me how to speak my mind. Leo, you taught me how to put my mind online. Waba, you taught me how to have some fucking fun in my life and not care about it. You know anything else and I God, I respect the fuck out of that. Beth, you taught me how to be courageous today. That's what you taught me. You showed up. That's an amazing thing.

Lobow: 49:31

And RJ, you taught me continuous belief in yourself. Every day. All day leads you to how you treat your kids, to what you do. Well, so I am proud of this topic. At the beginning of the day was really like I was freaking out all day today. All day, big surprise, adhd. I don't. I don't do well with things that I don't know, but I feel like I know y'all now and y'all helped me through this and that's what fucking matters, sorry, at the end of the day. So I am proud of actually just proud of y'all and myself at the same time.

Waba: 50:20

Mercedes wanted to say something.

Mechi: 50:23

I just have to say something I am proud of all of us because I feel like we're breaking that generational trauma we were talking about before, Because we are. We all have something in common here other than the ADHD. We all care about mental health and we're all very self-aware of us and what is going on. So we're the first. Maybe we're not the first. Maybe our dads, our moms, they did the best they could and I know my mom had a very, very hard childhood and she did her best and I feel like it's starting with her, but it's also continuing with me and we're breaking that generational trauma we were talking about in the beginning and I'm proud of that. We're seeing that with RJ and his kids, Leo, of course, with his kids too. And even if you don't have a child like maybe I don't know I feel like I'm never going to mother because I don't feel it in me. But I'm proud of me because I'm breaking that cycle, even if I don't have kids who know, and it's online.

Leo: 51:35

That's the thing. You're putting it out, where anybody can find it, any kid who needs it, Exactly. And that's why I think what we're doing is so important, because it'll be out there for people to find when they need it most.

Lobow: 51:50

I know Waba wanted to say something, was that not?

Waba: 51:54

I mean I said Mercedes, oh, you're sorry.

Lobow: 51:57

I saw the bigger point, sorry.

Waba: 51:59

I was voicing for Mercedes.

Lobow: 52:01

Okay, gotcha, so Mercedes, this is my entire. I can't read names Real quick yeah.

RJ: 52:11

So part of creating a safe space too. I had this conversation with my ex-wife and we co-parent really well, because it comes down to the kids and their health, right, and we talk about being worried about other people, like bringing them down and stuff, and we're talking about safe spaces, and the safe space is allowing them to come with their emotions. But a safe space is also allowing them to feel safe making mistakes, to allow them to make mistakes and me not fly off the handle that something happened, because that's learning, that's life, that's. That is something that is going to keep them from thinking they have to be perfect and they don't have to walk on eggshells and so, just as parents, that's something to keep in mind, that it's not just holding space for the emotion and things like that. It's also holding a space where they get to explore and create and make mistakes.

RJ: 53:10

And, as I said earlier, I don't have infinite patience. I still have ADHD. I get overwhelmed, but when you have that understanding, it gives you more patience than maybe you originally would have had. That's right. I just wanted to bring that up too, because that's something that I think we overlook as adults is how important it is for kids to be able to make mistakes.

Lobow: 53:39

What we overlook the most is that everything we're going through, if we can just talk to each other and talk through, it might not be as bad as we think.

Beth: 53:53

Exactly.

Waba: 53:54

You're never alone in the fight, right.

Beth: 53:56

Yeah Well.

Lobow: 53:58

I love you all very, very much. Thank you for going to be through that episode of A Lot of Words I Didn't Understand. I talked to Leo and met you. It was funny. I talked to Leo and I'll cut all this out. I talked to Leo about it. I'm like, so how do I put this into a sentence? Because I don't understand any other word but the word blah. What'd you say to me, Leo? What'd you say?

Leo: 54:30

I mean, I just described it kind of the way I did earlier, right.

Lobow: 54:33

Exactly. I was like I know what trauma means. I don't know what this is, and that's again my fucking privilege is I don't understand a lot, but at least give me credit for trying to learn Like I'm trying to learn, Dude you get credit for recognizing the fact, you recognize that it's a privilege and that's like yeah. It's the biggest privilege you could ever have. Yeah, it's huge.

Beth: 55:02

But remember that little boy in the classroom.

Lobow: 55:07

Oh yeah, oh yeah.

Beth: 55:08

You know, so you copped it as well in a different way, and it's wonderful that we all have different personalities, backgrounds, things like that. You know, that's the whole point.

Waba: 55:21

Hi, I know. Well, I have something to admit to all of you Guys. I trust you, I think you're really cool. I just need to come out about this.

Lobow: 55:43

I knew that wasn't going to be a joke. I knew it, thank you.